octave's corner

my experience with meltdowns

this blogpost is gonna be quite the post. honestly, i'm a little bit scared to put this out there, but i just feel like i need to say it somewhere. in some capacity, this is self indulgent, as i can use this later as a reference if i need to talk to a doctor, school, etc etc, about my experiences. a small disclaimer, i am not a doctor, i don't know all the diagnostic terms. thank you.

looking back at meltdowns

ironically, my best time to look back at my meltdowns with some sense of logic and analysis is while i'm coming down from one, particularly when i shower. the shower is a good time for contemplation i suppose. after a meltdown (and sometimes during) i'm able to notice triggers, as well as paths to overcome whatever these triggers are, however oftentimes attempts to take these courses of action cause more stress, and it takes a LOT of time to be able to actually act upon them. often i will have to spend more time in the shower, or more time to stand in one spot and stim. it's frustrating but allowing myself this patience is what lets me function.

what usually causes my meltdowns?

sometimes i'll randomly think 'am i really neurodivergent or am i normal. maybe im normal and im lying to myself', and then a minor inconvenience happens and im unable to function for hours. i've noticed over time that i have three main catalysts for a meltdown. usually its one, or a combination, of: upcoming deadline that i am unable to cope with or deliver on, sensory overload, and breaks in routine. it doesn't help that a lot of the time i don't have much control over these things, and my brain shuts off the function that allows me to find a route out and jumps straight to panicking.

specifically for upcoming deadlines, i often struggle a LOT with executive dysfunction, which means for a lot of coursework and things get left right until the last second because my brain is just, unable to do the task. this has caused me meltdowns in the past, and i should really probably do something about it. it affects me so much.

how do i cope with them?

parenting myself. patience, slowing down.